The Choices They Made
by ih13
Summary: Takes place immediately following Lady Midnight. How will Emma deal with her lingering feelings for her parabatai and pretending to be with Mark? Will Julian be able to find a way to break the bond he wished he'd never made? Will he even want to try when he finds out his brother is dating the girl he loves? The Angel only knows.
1. Chapter 1

_"Why lie?" he said._

Before Emma could react, Mark had taken another step toward her. He was so close she could smell the toothpaste on his breath. The same spearmint toothpaste Julian used. Emma looked up in surprise and caught his eye, blackthorn blue. For just a moment, she lost herself in memory. She thought of dancing with Julian the night of lottery, how the space between them had felt electric and dangerous, like they could implode at any time. Mark placed his other hand on the small of her back, bringing her back to reality.

"I'd be lying either way. If we do this my way, I'm lying to Julian. Your way, I'd be lying to myself. I'm... not in a place that I can be with anyone right now." Emma sighed and tried to take a step back from him but he held her tight against him.

"That makes two of us."

He wrapped his hands in her hair and pressed his lips to hers. Emma was surprised by the warmth of his mouth. _What a strange thing to notice when being kissed_ , she thought. She breathed in the smell of him: earth and toothpaste. She felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach. This was not what kissing was supposed to feel like. Kissing Julian had felt like flying, while kissing Mark felt more like being dragged into quicksand; like the floor had disappeared underneath her and she was free falling into nothingness. With all the sense she could manage, she placed her hands on his chest and pushed him away. When she was 12, Emma had imagined kissing Mark several times, but not once had she imagine she would be the one to pull away. So much had changed since then. Mark didn't look offended or even surprised. She could see the wind in his broken eyes and she knew he hadn't been thinking of her, either. What a dysfunctional pair they made.

"I can't be your distraction," Emma said, barely above a whisper. "I just need you to help me protect Julian. _All_ of this is for Julian." Emma hadn't noticed she'd begun to cry until Mark raised his hand to wipe the tear from her cheek. She didn't remember the last time she had cried. Shadowhunters weren't supposed to cry. Emma had spent most of her life being strong for the kids and for Julian. She killed herself training to make herself stronger, all for them. Knowingly destroying the person she loved most in the world was more than she could handle, even if she was doing it to save him.

"I will lie for you, Emma Carstairs. But know that should you ever change your mind, I'm here. Sometimes lying to yourself is less painful than facing the truth."

Mark turned and walked out of the room, both hands shoved in his pockets. He gave her one last knowing glance as he turned down the corridor towards his own room. Emma shut the door and collapsed onto her bed face first. This was a bad idea. No, this was the worst idea. The worst idea in the history of terrible ideas. This was going to break Julian. But isn't that exactly what she needed to do? The only way to fix things was to erase the love he had for her. Lying to him was the only option. When she finally fell asleep, she dreamed of drowning.

She woke several hours later screaming. She should have known he would come. He had always been the one to comfort her after her nightmares. She heard three quiet taps on the door and felt her stomach drop.

"Emma?" the sound of his voice ripped her heart into a thousand pieces.

"Go back to bed, Jules. I'm fine. Just a bad dream."

"Emma, please. Just let me in."

"I said I'm fine. I don't need you." She knew she had struck a cord. Telling Julian she didn't need him would hurt worse than the whips he had taken from Iarlath on the lawn, but she knew she couldn't be alone with him in her bed in the middle of night. Emma was strong, but not that strong. She knew she would lose her resolve the second the moonlight caught his blue green eyes and that was not something she could let happen again. She heard his footsteps getting further and further away, and finally heard the door of his room close. What had she done? She closed her eyes tight and cried for the second time that night.

The next morning, Emma woke with a pounding headache. She took her usual morning run, hoping it would help to clear her mind, but no such luck. After a particularly long shower, she walked into the kitchen for breakfast, wet hair braided down her back. Livvy and Ty sat at the table, finishing up the remnants of their Satuday morning pancakes.

"Where were you this morning? You never miss breakfast." Livvy asked, getting up from the table to rinse her now empty plate in the sink.

"I took an extra long run this morning and lost track of time. I'm sorry guys, I didn't miss anything did I?"

"Nah, just the usual morning drama. Julian made pancakes, Tavvy spilled the syrup and tried to hide it by wiping it up with his sleeve which just made it so much worse, Dru stared at Perfect Diego so intently it made every one but Perfect Diego uncomfortable, and Mark was... Mark. He asked about you."

Time to turn it on. It was now or never. "Did he?" Emma did her best to fake a girlish grin. She felt ridiculous, but she hoped Livvy wouldn't notice the awkwardness she felt. Livvy stared a second longer than she normally would have before turning back to the sink, Emma thought.

Ty, who had been pushing his last bite of pancake across the plate with his fork for the last five minutes, took out his headphones and answered. "He asked if anyone knew where you were. Said he had to talk to you about something."

Emma flashed the biggest smile she could manage and tried her hardest to make herself blush. "I suppose I should find out what he wants, then" she said with a giggle. She had actually giggled. Julian would have known she was lying that second. She needed to get better at this before she took this show on the road, so to speak. If only she was as good of liar as he was. She grabbed a granola bar from the pantry, went back up the stairs and headed towards the roof where she knew she would find Mark, careful to avoid walking past the studio.

Back in the kitchen, Livvy turned to her twin, "What do you think that was about?"

Ty simply shrugged his shoulders and put his headphones back on. "Something tells me I don't want to know."

Emma walked out onto the roof and spotted Mark instantly, dangling his feet over the edge on the far side of the building. He must not have heard her walk up because he jumped in surprise when she spoke. "Holding up your end of the deal nicely, I see."

Mark made a noise somewhere between a laugh and a grunt. He stared at his hands, folded in front of him as he leaned his elbows on his knees. "I could see the hurt in his eyes already, and all I said was I needed to talk to you. Are you sure you want to do this, Emma?"

"Not at all. It's actually the last thing I want to do. But I have to. I don't have a choice. I just hope he can't tell I'm lying. I thought for sure Livvy was going to call my bluff in the kitchen. I think I may have over done it. Julian knows me better than anyone in the entire world. He'll see right through me."

"I told you, it doesn't have to be a lie Emma," he said with a wink. She knew he was kidding, but she still made a it a point to dramatically roll her eyes and punch him in the arm, maybe a bit harder than she should have. He rubbed his arm pretended to look hurt. She was starting remember the boy he used to be, the one who'd taken care of his younger brothers and sisters. The one who had spent hours helping her perfect her butterfly kick. She remembered how easy he'd made it look, like the laws of gravity didn't apply to him. She remembered how many times she'd fallen on her face, and the one time she'd dislocated her shoulder after a particularly bad fall. She remembered the infirmary and Julian drawing an _iratze_ on her shoulder blade and the immediate relief she felt not only from the healing rune, but also from having Jules so close to her. _No. Stop it._ She couldn't think like that anymore. Mark would have to become source of comfort from now on.

Emma and Mark sat side by side, staring out across the ocean; neither saying a word. Mark reached out and took her hand in his. They were in this together, no matter how badly they both wished things could be different.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Please note the second chapter has been edited, and by edited I mean completely changed. Sorry guys, I got a little overly excited and forgot to actually plan my story all the way out before I posted... Also I kind of decided I hated it. That'll teach me to jump the gun. If you read my first attempt at ch. 2, I'm sorry for wasting 10 minutes of your life. Go ahead & wipe it from your memory. So without further ado... Chapter 2: take 2.**

Emma couldn't sleep. It had been one of those nights when she'd woken up every hour, on the hour and she couldn't take it any longer. When she was young, her father had always taken her to the beach when she couldn't sleep. They would lie side by side in the sand while he pointed out constellations and eventually had taught her to navigate by the stars. It actually took her quite a long time to learn, since she'd always ended up falling asleep in the middle of the lesson, but that had been the point she supposed. Emma pulled herself out of bed, threw on a pair of leggings and an oversized sweatshirt, grabbed a blanket and headed towards the ocean. She had no idea why she found it so calming to be beside the ocean when the thought of standing even ankle deep in the water made her hair stand on end, but still, the beach was one of her favorite places in the world. She spread out her blanket in the sand and laid down, staring up at the wide expanse above her. She didn't want to think about the real reason she couldn't sleep; she knew that at some point later that day, she was going to have to tell Julian about Mark, and the thought was eating her alive. She'd practiced the conversation in her head at least a hundred times already and each time she'd imagined it, it got worse. She tried to distract herself by identifying the constellations above her: Ursa Major, Perseus, Cassiopeia, and Andromeda. She'd picked out 3 more when she heard someone walking towards her.

Emma sat bolt upright. Her first thought was she wished she'd brought Cortana. No one just is just visiting at 4 in the morning. She'd been planning the most efficient way to incapacitate her attacker when she saw his blond curls whipping around his face, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. Mark.

"You know, you really shouldn't go places by yourself in the middle of the night," he said when he'd gotten close enough to be heard over the crash of the waves.

"I'm a shadowhunter, Mark. I think I can take care of myself. How'd you know I was here anyway?"

"I saw you walk down from the roof, " he answered.

She moved over to the side of the blanket and patted the spot next to her, silently asking him to sit with her. "Couldn't sleep either?"

He sat down beside her, resting his elbows on his knees. "After so long in the Hunt, the night calls too loudly to be able to sleep." His facial expression seemed far away as he stared out over the ocean.

"But you have to sleep sometime?" she asked.

"I'm very fond of naps," he answered with half a laugh. Emma laughed and linked her arm through his and rested her head on his shoulder. She was surprised by how comfortable she felt with him already. Maybe it was because he'd blindly trusted her when she'd asked him to lie to his family for her, or simply the fact that they were both, very clearly, in love with someone else.

Emma let out a deep breath, "Today is the day."

"And what day is that?" Mark asked, sounding genuinely interested.

"We have to tell Julian." Even saying his name made her heart sink.

"Emma, can you please just tell me why we're doing this?"

"Please just trust me. I would tell you if I could," she said, sounding exasperated.

"You love him, don't you?" It was more of a statement than a question. Emma felt her chest tighten.

"Of course I love him, he's my best fri-"

"No, Emma, I mean you really love him. You're _in love_ with him." He unlinked his arm from hers and turned to stare at her, waiting for her answer.

Emma swallowed hard, trying to find the words to say to make it seem less awful, less illegal, less... wrong; but there were none. They way she felt about Julian _was_ wrong. All she could manage was a slight nod of her head; a tear fell down her cheek. _What I cry baby I've become,_ she thought.

"And he loves you too, doesn't he?" Again, he wasn't really asking. He'd turned away from her and was staring intently at the sand in front of his feet. Great. Now he couldn't even look at her.

She turned towards him, placing her hand on the crook of his elbow; tears now freely flowing down her face. "Now you know why I have to do this. He has to believe we're falling in love. He has to think there's no way he and I could ever be..."

"You _can't_ ever be, Emma! Do you know what would happen if the Clave found out?" Emma couldn't remember the last time she'd heard him raise his voice.  
"You'd be stripped of your runes, you'd become mundanes, Emma. You wouldn't even be allowed in the institute! What would happen to the kids, Emma?"

"I know! You don't think I haven't lost my mind thinking of all the ways it would ruin both of our lives? Why do you think I asked you to do this, Mark? Believe me, if I thought there was any other way..."

Mark let out a deep breath. "He's my brother, Em," sounding more exhausted now than angry.

"I know."

"This is going to destroy him."

"I know." She placed her head back on his shoulder.

"This is just so... fucked up."

Emma choked on a laugh. "Whoa, whoa, whoa." Emma held up both her hands in mock surprise. "I didn't know the high-language of the faeries included such... strong words." Emma couldn't help but smile. It just seemed so out of character and wrong coming out of his mouth.

"I was in the Hunt Emma, not dead," but he was smiling now too. He rested his head on top of hers, wrapped his arm around her back and let out a deep sigh. At that moment Emma knew he'd accepted his fate and chosen to share in her death sentence. She couldn't help but feel relieved, sharing her burden with someone else.

They sat side by side silently for what seemed like an eternity. When the sun finally came up, Mark stood up, brushed the sand off his jeans and held out his hand to Emma. "We should head back up. People will start to wonder where we've been."

Emma stood and after refolding her blanket, took Mark's hand, interlocking her fingers with his. They walked hand in hand back to the institute, but before they had reached the bottom stair, the door swung open.

"Emma?" Julian stood frozen in the entryway; hand still on the door handle. Ice filled her veins. She wasn't ready. She hadn't figured out what she was supposed to say yet. She opened her mouth and tried to speak but she couldn't get the words past her lips. She stood completely still, fingers still laced with Mark's, staring into Julian's blue-green eyes. She could instantly see the recognition, the pain, the misery... and just like that, it was gone. He'd wiped all emotion from his face and stood up a little straighter. And that's how she knew it'd worked. He had believed her. Had she planned this encounter, had he not seen the horror she felt at him seeing her hold his brother's hand, he would have called her bluff. He would have known it was all a lie. Ironically, the fact that she hadn't appeared to want him to find out had been what had convinced him of the sincerity of the situation. How long had it been since anyone had spoken? Finally, Mark broke the smothering silence that had settled over the three shadowhunters.

"We were just down at the beach. Emma couldn't sleep so we took a walk and stayed to watch the sun come up." Another flash of pain; gone as quickly as it came.

"Tavvy went to find you in your room to ask you to come to breakfast and he got worried when he couldn't find you. I checked the roof but you weren't there either," he said to Mark. He sounded calm when he spoke, but Emma knew he was anything but. She could hear the sea of misery in his carefully controlled words that no one else could.

"Well, we're here now." Mark started up the stairs, pulling Emma with him, not daring to look Julian in the eyes. As Emma walked past Julian, she could feel the tension, like static electricity, making her skin feel prickly.

They ate breakfast in silence. All 9 of them sat completely silent around the kitchen table. Each one feeling the awkwardness that had settled; only Emma, Mark, and Julian fully understanding why. At one point, Dru had tried to start a conversation about a particularly gory horror film she'd watched the night before, but the words fell flat almost immediately, making the air feel even thicker than it had before. As soon as he'd finished, Julian got up from the table, placed his plate in the sink and practically ran out of the kitchen. The kids all turned to Emma, obviously expecting an explanation: one she clearly couldn't give them. Emma left her half eaten pancake and followed Julian up the stairs, knowing she was causing a scene. She heard Julian slam the door to his room, then heard the click of the lock.

She rested her forehead on the door, her hands pressed against it on either side of her. If he actually opened the door, she would fall to the floor face first, but she knew he wouldn't. "Can we talk? Please?"

"No." One word. Really?

"Jules, please. Let me explain."

"Explain what, Em?" He sounded desperate now, knowing she was the only one who could hear him. There was no use hiding his emotions with her, she'd know anyway. The door flew open and she nearly fell into his chest. She awkwardly righted herself, trying to ignore how her skin had burned where she'd brushed his. "The fact that you're apparently dating my brother? MY BROTHER, EM." The misery was now incredibly evident on his face. It ripped through her like she'd been impaled.

"I'm so sorry Jules, " she whispered. She felt small and utterly ridiculous. "I didn't know how to tell you." At least that was the truth.

"Get out," was all he said, and shut the door in her face.

She rested her back against the door, and slid to the floor. She buried her head in her knees and cried.

She didn't know how long she'd been sitting there when Mark came down the hall. He didn't say a word, simply offered his hand, helped her to her feet, and walked her back to her own room. She sat down on the edge of the bed, while Mark squatted down in front of her.

"It's so much worse than I thought," her voice sounded weak.

"I know. I'm so sorry, Emma." He placed one hand on either side of her face and kissed her forehead. "It'll get better, I promise. Remember, we're doing this for him."

"I want to believe you. I really do." She had no idea how it would ever get better. She had single handedly destroyed both of their lives and there was no coming back from that. Ever.

Mark stood and drew her into a full body hug. "I promise, Emma." He kissed her cheek quickly and walked out the door, closing the door behind him.

 **Another Author's note:**

 **I promise this will end up being a Emma/Julian story. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but it'll get there. Eventually. I promise. Hang in there.**


	3. Chapter 3

Emma stood next to Cristina on the roof of a run down building in the middle of downtown L.A. For the last week, she'd been scheduled for patrol every night, which made sense considering she now knew who really made the schedules. He was trying to keep her away from Mark. No matter how mad he was, he still hadn't given up. It was infuriating.

Cristina was looking out over the East side of the city while Emma patrolled over the west, yawning more than paying attention. In a week, Emma hadn't seen a single demon. It was almost eerily calm. She could see storm clouds rolling in, an inkier shade of black than the rest of the midnight sky. The wind had just started to pick up. Emma could hear the rumble of thunder and see bright flashes of light in the distance. It wouldn't be long before the rain came. She cursed whoever had designed patrol gear without a hood.

Intrigued, Emma turned and walked to the other side of the building where Cristina was crouched down, staring intently at a row of bushes on the other side of the street. "See anything?" Emma crouched beside her, trying to see any movement in the distance. It had been so long since Emma had felt the thrill of the fight; she was practically begging the angel for action.

"I don't know," Cristina answered. "Maybe. It could just be the wind though." Maybe was good enough for Emma. She leapt from the rooftop and landed on the balls of her feet, hands already poised to pull cortana from the sheath on her back. At the thud of her landing, a large black cat ran from underneath the bushes into the alley that ran along side the building. Emma could hear Cristina laughing from above her. "Sorry," she called down.

"Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. Wouldn't be so funny if it had been a Saleos demon in disguise." Emma started to climb back up to the roof using the fire escape when a searing pain shot through her. It felt like someone had set her shoulder on fire. Instinctively, Emma reached for cortana and swung it in a wide arch around her head. She fell to the ground on her back and saw she was surrounded by about half a dozen Rakshasa demons, each having about eight arms with razor sharp talons on the end of each one. The one who had apparently gotten a hold of her should lay lifeless beside her. Emma rolled onto her stomach and pushed herself up to stand. Her head spun and she felt like she was going to be sick. Not good. She saw the small puddle of blood she'd left; she shouldn't be bleeding so much so quickly. She picked up cortana from the mixture of blood and ichor that covered the ground. The demons were getting closer and Emma could feel the weight of cortana, heavy in her hard for the first time. The thunder was growing louder and the flashes of lightning became more frequent. The first of the demons reached her and it took every bit of strength she had to swing her blade though the demon's flesh. Ichor sprayed from the fatal wound, burning wherever it touched bare skin.

Cristina jumped the last few rungs of the fire escape, wishing she could jump several stories at a time like Emma, though she'd never admit it; Emma was already too reckless. Cristina grabbed the butterfly knife that had been strapped to her outer thigh and threw it with all the force she could manage. Luckily, it landed in the center of the back of a demon Cristina was certain Emma hadn't realized was so close to her. 3 down, 3 to go. Cristina pulled another knife from her belt and threw it hard. This one nicked the arm of one coming from behind Emma. The demon made a horrible shrieking cry that caught Emma's attention and Cristina watched as she turned to attack just as it reached an arm's length distance. Luckily, Rakshasa demons were not extraordinarily fast, but their venom was deadly. As the fourth demon fell at Emma's feet, Cristina finally reached her side. They stood back to back, both holding their blades in front of them, ready to strike. To both their surprise, the two remaining demons began to slowly retreat, then took off in a run in the same direction.

"Tina, follow them!" Emma yelled over the thunder that was now nearly directly above them. She dropped cortana to the ground, hoping Cristina couldn't tell how exhausted she was. Tina headed towards the car, but stopped when she saw that Emma wasn't following.

"Aren't you coming too? Emma, are you okay?" Cristina scanned Emma head to toe, searching her for injuries but Emma's wound was across her back and the black gear hid any blood that may have been visible, especially in the dark. Emma was careful to remain facing Cristina.

"I'm fine," Emma lied. "Just follow them, see where they're headed. I've never seen a Rakshasa demon in L.A. before, they usually answer to greater demons." Even talking was becoming a struggle for Emma. She knew she had to get Cristina to leave soon or she'd figure out how serious her injuries were and would try to take her back to the institute to be healed. Emma needed her to follow the demons or they'd lose their lead on a possible greater demon.

It had finally started to rain. Monsoon was probably a more accurate term. Emma watched as the puddle of blood she'd left on the asphalt washed into the storm drains that lined the street. It was too dark for Cristina to be able to tell the difference between blood and the massive amount of ichor that also stained the street. "I've got to get back to the institute and tell the others what happened. If there's a greater demon in L.A., we need to know about it." Lightning struck a tree about 500 yards away from where the two girls stood and for a moment, it was as bright as daylight. Cristina noticed how pale Emma had gotten. She thought it was strange that Emma was afraid of lightning, but then again, she was also afraid of the ocean. Emma Carstairs laughed in the face of true danger, but irrationally feared a little water and thunder. Cristina chuckled to herself. That sounded about right.

Cristina's hair stuck to her skin, soaked with rain as she nodded to Emma.

"You take the car, I'll follow them on foot."

"You'll never catch them. They've already gotten too far ahead. You'll need the car to make up the time. I'll walk back; it's only a couple of blocks. Now go! Hurry!" Thunder shook the ground under them, like it was emphasizing Emma's words. The world around her began to spin. Emma threw Cristina the keys and watched as she ran to take per place behind the wheel. As soon as the headlights were out of view, Emma collapsed.

Julian sat in the back room of his studio, staring at the bare spot on the counter in an otherwise very cluttered room. Memory flooded his mind; Emma's hands in his hair, legs wrapped around his waist, pulling him into her like she was trying to crawl inside him. He didn't know why he'd come into the room, knowing the pile of papers and canvas still laid crumpled on the floor where'd he'd pushed them out of the way to set Emma down on the counter while he'd kissed her; but somehow he'd found himself sitting, staring, letting the pain tear through him fresh and new like a deep wound opening up inside him. It was a real, visceral pain. Almost like something had actually sliced open his back, an intense burning over his shoulder blade that radiated to every part of him. He knew then the pain he felt was no longer his own. It was very, very real, and it was Emma's.

The lightning crashed outside the window, hitting a tree close to where he'd assigned the girls' patrol that night. He stared out the window trying to pick out the rooftop on which they should have been, but it was too dark and had started raining too hard to see anything further than his own hand. He could think only of Emma as panic rose through him, fast and destructive. He knew he should be mad at her, probably hate her even, but he felt mostly guilt. All he could think was that he had put her in danger. Of course he had never meant to hurt her, but in a feeble and desperate attempt to separate her from his brother, he'd deprived her of sleep and training time. Now she was paying the price for his selfish actions.

He didn't even bother to grab a jacket. He ran out the door into the pouring ran and slammed the door behind him, the sound drowned out by a loud crack of lightning. The wind tore through his wet clothes as he ran the five blocks to the abandoned building, barely feeling the rain as it pelted his skin. He ignored the sharp, stabbing pain he felt deep in his lungs, reminding him that Emma had always been the runner of the two. He spotted her lying in the middle of the road limbs sprawled at odd angles; her golden hair soaked and fanned out around her, now stained red with blood. His stomach disappeared. _Please don't be dead._ She couldn't be dead. Julian dropped to his knees beside her. She was so pale. He placed his hand on her wrist, her pulse weak under his fingertips.

D-O-N-T D-I-E O-N M-E E-M-M-A he wrote on the thin skin of her inner wrist, and fumbled for the stele in his pocket. Emma's eyes fluttered open and his body surged with hope.

"I've got you Emma, you're going to be okay. I can fix this." He sounded more like he was trying to convince himself rather than convince Emma. She saw him place his stele against her skin.

"No!" She had tried to shout, but all that came out was coarse, rough sounding word that could barely be heard above the rain and thunder. It was incredibly disappointing, especially considered the herculean effort it had taken her to get out the one simple word. She tried again, "Get. Mark."

Julian was a warrior, strong and ruthless; but like Achilles, he had a weakness. Seeing Emma in pain, dying in front of him, was the one thing that could break through his mask of indifference. She saw the hurt in behind eyes.

"Emma, I'm right here. Let me fix you, please." Seeing Julian beg like this was almost worse than the demon venom coursing through her veins, but she couldn't let him draw another rune on her skin, not after the last time.

"Mark. _Please_." She didn't have the energy to say another word. She tried to put as much desperation into her eyes as she could manage. She could only hope he'd see it, hope it'd been enough.

She felt his hands shove underneath her, scooping her up into his chest like she weighed nothing. Who knows, with all the blood she'd lost, maybe she did weigh nothing. She felt the muscles of his chest and shoulders tighten and relax under her head, his wet shirt warm against her cheek. She breathed in the smell of cloves and paint, trying to memorize every part of him. Her head was spinning faster and faster, the sounds of rain and thunder fading away, though she knew the storm hadn't let up. The edges of her vision had started to go fuzzy and dark. It was a good way to die; held in the arms of the person you loved most in the world. She took in every detail of him as the blackness closed in around her; how the rain drops spiraled down the curls in his hair, the determination set into his brow, the reflection of the moon in his blue-green eyes that almost seemed to glow in the darkness, his skin so smooth and soft; she wanted to touch it, one more time. What did it matter now? She was dying. It was her dying wish. She was allowed a dying wish. She reached her hand to his cheek, pulling his face towards hers, locking his eyes with hers; and the world went black.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Thank you, Nyphoftheglade for letting me know my formatting was jacked up. I have no idea what happened. Hopefully it works this time.**

The bitter taste of bile bit the back of her throat and acid stung the inside of her nose. Emma rolled to her side and threw up, though she couldn't remember the last time she'd eaten. She was soaked from head to toe. Rain was still falling heavily all around her, though the thunder and lightning had finally died off. She vaguely remembered Julian carrying her just before she'd... died? She certainly felt like she'd died; had even hoped for it. Her chest burned worse than the time she'd almost drowned. She forced herself to open her eyes and was nearly blinded by light. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and tried to feel for her surroundings. She figured she was again lying in the middle of a road; she'd become very familiar with the feel of wet asphalt in the time before Julian had found her.

The burning in her chest faded to a dull ache and she dared to open her eyes again. This time, though, it was dark. She saw Julian drenched and on his knees a few feet away, staring at her like he'd never seen her before. He was quiet when he spoke.

"You were dying, Ems. I could feel it. Here." He put his hand just above his heart, where Emma knew she'd drawn his _parabatai_ five years before. It seemed like a lifetime ago. "It felt like I was falling into a black hole while my insides were being ripped out through my chest. I'm so sorry, Ems. I know you wanted Mark to do it, but I couldn't just let you die. I would have taken you to him if I could have."

And he meant it. She knew he meant it; knew how deeply the words had hurt him to say because she could literally _feel_ it. With a knot in her stomach, Emma looked down to her chest, where she'd felt the burn of fire nearly consume her moments before. There was an _iratze_ drawn over her heart, still flickering like embers embedded into her skin.

"Julian, what did you do?" The words sounded like they'd stuck in her throat, coming out painful and coarse. She looked horrified.

"What do you mean, what did I do? I saved you, Emma. You were dying and it was killing me, too. I saved us both!" He was angry that she was acting like he'd done something wrong, like he hadn't just brought her back from the brink of death; but somehow, he knew she was just afraid. He had no idea why Emma would be afraid. She was going to be fine. Thanks to him. The healing rune he'd drawn was the most incredible thing he'd ever seen. At first, there was only a faint glow, like a strange bioluminescence coming from within Emma, only it kept getting brighter and brighter until he'd had to cover his eyes. He'd been rain soaked and freezing but the light warmed him to his soul. It had been a miracle; he didn't understand how Emma could be afraid of a miracle.

She should be dead right now. She knew she should be dead. She'd been so far past healing runes when she'd heard Julian running towards her. She'd known it was him without even looking. She would know the sound of his long strides anywhere. The fact that she was sitting here now, looking at Julian, terrified her. She'd done everything she could, yet he still loved her enough to drop everything and run to her rescue in the pouring rain. Loved her enough that his _iratze_ had damn near brought her back from the dead.

"Why did you come after me?" Her voice was soft, almost a whisper. She honestly needed to know; needed to know if there had ever been any hope that her plan could have worked. She'd been awful to him, purposely tried to break his heart, did the one thing he'd told her would break him for good. But it hadn't mattered.

"...You needed me. I couldn't just stand there and hope you figured your way out of it." Emma knew he wasn't being completely honest with her. She knew the words he wasn't saying out loud. _I wanted to be the one to save you._ The rain still spiraled through his hair, making corkscrew curls around his face and at the nape of his neck. She wanted to reach out and touch one, but this time she knew she needed to control her impulses. She'd already given into temptation once tonight.

"You shouldn't have come." It was all she could manage to say. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but she was afraid that if she accidentally put a crack in the dam, the flood would come bursting through.

"Are you saying I should have just let you die?" Emma didn't think she'd ever heard him raise his voice to her before. "That I should've just let you bleed to death in the middle of the road? No way, Emma. If you die, I die. Remember?" He stood and looked up into the black storm clouds overhead, interlocking his fingers behind his head in frustration. "No way, Emma. Not a chance in hell."

Emma tried not to notice the strip of skin that was now visible, just above the waistband of his jeans. Tried to ignore how his wet shirt clung to every one of his perfectly formed muscles. It was no use. Lust shot through her like pins and needles.

Where she'd seen frustration and bewilderment on his face before, she now saw amusement and the hint of half a smile. _Oh no._ He'd felt it too. He'd figured out that he could _feel_ her emotions, the way she'd been feeling his since he'd drawn the _iratze_ on her skin. _Not. Good._ It had been hard enough to lie to him when he couldn't feel the pain she felt every time he saw her with Mark. How was she going to control the utter indifference she felt holding Mark's hand? She was going to have to get better at controlling her emotions. An external mask wouldn't be enough anymore; she'd have to become numb on the inside as well.

Realizing she'd been blatantly staring at Julian for far too long, Emma quickly pushed herself up to her feet. She had expected her legs to feel weak and shaky, had even braced herself to stumble, but was she pleasantly surprised to find them strong and sturdy beneath her; like she hadn't nearly lost all of the blood in her body just an hour before. Now that she was thinking about it, she felt incredible all over. Her hair had fallen out of its braid hours ago and was now clinging to her shoulders and back. Rain had soaked through the tank top she'd worn under her gear. She picked up the black jacket off the pavement where Julian must have laid it after he'd taken it off to draw her rune. She tied it around her waist, figuring the soaking wet material would only maker her colder. She turned back to Julian. "Lets just go home." She tried to feel exasperation and dejection, but forcing emotion turned out to not be as easy as she might have hoped. What she really felt was terror.

"Ems, wait a second." He reached out and grabbed her arm as she walked past him, sending tingles from the tips of her fingers to the soles of her feet. "Can you please tell me why you're so dead set on cutting me out of your life entirely? You told me you didn't want to do this because it would 'poison all the good parts of being _parabatai_ until we weren't even friends'," He'd memorized exactly what she'd said to him. "But that's exactly what you're doing. We're parabatai, Em. We're supposed to fight together, to heal each other, but you won't even let me do that; the few things I'm actually supposed to do with you." The defeated look on his elegant features bored through her.

She had no answer. Not one she could tell him anyway. He was right. Her heart broke for him, and for her, for everything they would never be together. It wasn't fair. "I'm so sorry, Jules."

"Yeah well, me too." He still held her wrist in his hand as he took a step towards her, bringing them face-to-face. The rain continued to fall in torrents around them, but Emma couldn't feel it anymore. She didn't know if the longing she felt was completely her own or if she was feeling it double. She hoped he couldn't tell the difference either.

"I just think it's better if we spend some time apart-"

"No you don't, Emma! I can feel that you don't mean it! I don't know how, but I know you're lying." He brought his other hand up and placed it on her cheek, futilely wiping away the raindrops that fell down her face. "I can feel that you still want me-"

"No, Julian, I don't,-"

"Stop lying to me, Emma! I felt it when you looked at me before and I can feel it now." He let go of her wrist only to place his hand on the small of her back, pulling her closer to him. Arguing was useless. The closer she got to him, the more difficult it was to think. Deep down, she knew she should she push him away, but on the brink of death, she'd thought only of kissing him one last time. She felt his breath on her mouth, felt herself coming completely undone. Then headlights suddenly appeared, barreling straight towards them. They jumped apart in opposite directions, scrambling to get out of the middle of the road. The car's brakes screeched and the car slid in the rain before coming to a stop about 100 feet from where Emma had nearly made a huge mistake. The door flew open and Cristina stepped into the rain, yelling frantic Spanish. When she'd calmed down slightly, she resumed her rant in English.

"What in the name of _dios_ are you still doing out here? I thought you were going back to the institute! Did something else happen? Are you okay? Why is Julian here?" Cristina had clearly been on her way back to institute, perhaps with information regarding the whereabouts of the demon hangout, when she'd nearly killed her best friend.

"Obviously she didn't make it back." Julian snapped back. Emma felt his frustration, both at being interrupted and also the fact that Cristina had left Emma alone in the first place. They were yelling at each other over the distance as Cristina walked back from the car.

"What do you mean, she didn't make it back? She told me she was going back to the institute to tell you about the Rakshasa demons-"

"Rakshasa demons? Emma, you didn't tell me you were attacked by-"

"Sorry, didn't exactly have the chance, being unconscious and all.." His frustration was flowing through her now. She'd never realized how deeply he felt his emotions before. "It doesn't matter anyway. I'm fine, you're fine, Cristina's fine, we're all fine now." Emma turned her attention back to Cristina who had finally closed the gap between them enough that she could speak at a normal volume. "Did you find anything out?"

"You are not going to believe this. I caught up to them just before they went inside. It looks like a castle Emma. There's a bridge and everything. It must have been glamoured though because no one else seemed concerned with the giant castle on the hill and I feel like that's something _everybody_ would notice."

Emma looked at Julian, knowing he was thinking exactly what she was thinking. "Malcolm," they said together. But how was that possible?

"Emma and I will check it out tomorrow. There's no use going tonight when it could be swarming with demons. Let's just go home," Julian said, again mirroring Emma's words to him.

They all piled into the Toyota, thankful to finally be out of the rain. Julian had let Cristina drive, given that she still had the keys. He'd taken the passenger seat, telling Emma she needed the backseat to rest, even though they were exactly two blocks from the institute. She didn't argue. The rhythmic sound of the windshield wipers relaxed Emma's mind, allowing her to feel how exhausted she truly was. She glanced at the review mirror only to see Julian's blue-green eyes, staring at her with all the love and concern in the world.

Failure. The whole week had been a waste. All the progress she'd thought she'd made had been shattered by a single moment of weakness. She had to fix it, but she had no idea how. They Toyota came to a stop outside the institute and Emma practically sprinted from the car. She could hear Julian calling after her but she'd made up her mind. Being close to him was dangerous, like a drug addiction. She couldn't trust herself. He clouded her judgment and made her forget why she was doing this in the first place.

With Julian still calling after her, Emma strode down the corridor, straight into Mark's bedroom. She shut and locked the door behind her. Mark obviously hadn't been asleep. The lights were on and he sat on the bed, wearing only a pair of faded jeans. He got up and walked towards her, confusion clear on his face, "What are you doing here, Emma?"

She just shook her head at him. Julian banged on the door behind her. She saw Mark's expression change from confusion to comprehension. She turned off the lights and walked towards him. "Just kiss me."


	5. Chapter 5

Things had not worked out how Emma had planned. She'd come to Mark's room fully intending to use him to clear her mind and numb her emotions. She'd thought she could distract herself, that she wouldn't spend the entire night thinking about Julian and their unnatural bond. She'd thought kissing Mark would help her forget; and it had... at first.

Mark had been confused at first, but when he heard Julian banging on the door behind her, Emma knew he understood the situation she had gotten herself into. Over the last week, he'd gotten very good at reading her. Not quite like Julian, but he was very good nonetheless. Since their conversation on the beach, Mark no longer asked questions when it came to matters regarding Julian, and Emma appreciated him immensely for it. Even when she'd barged into his room in the middle of the night, demanding that he kiss her, he didn't ask a single question. As soon as she'd said the words he simply closed the gap between them and crashed his lips against hers, wrapping both his arms tightly around her waist; like there was something he was trying to forget as well. His bare arms and chest had felt so warm against her still damp skin and his kisses were desperate; like he was searching for something he'd lost and couldn't live without. Emma knew the feeling; she'd lost something -or someone- she knew without a doubt she could not survive without, with no hope of ever recovering. Hopeless desperation. That's what kissing Mark was like.

For a few moments, she was lost in gratitude that he hadn't asked her to explain, or looked at her like she was insane. For the first few moments, she hadn't heard Julian continue to knock and call out her name. She'd let Mark back her up to the bed and lay her down on top of the covers. He'd been running his thin fingers roughly down her side when she'd lost it.

Emma wanted not to think; to let her mind go blank and let whatever happened happen, but she couldn't shut off the marathon of thoughts running through her head. Julian had finally given up knocking, but his absence seemed even louder in her mind. She thought of how he could make the rest of the world disappear, just by standing next to here she was, hyperaware of her surroundings now with Mark, heavy on top of her in the darkness of his bedroom. Thinking of Julian started a rush of emotion she couldn't control. Emma cried. It was the kind of crying that makes it hard to breathe.

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you?" Mark looked genuinely concerned and searched her face for an answer. He hadn't had to be careful with Kieran, and maybe he thought Emma was fragile. He'd certainly come back into her life at an extremely vulnerable time and definitely hadn't seen her at her best. She couldn't even answer him; she'd tried, but the garbled sounds she'd made between sobs were completely unintelligible. She managed to shake her head no, but if he'd wanted any actual explanation, he was completely out of luck. Instead, he shifted himself beside her on the bed so that her head rested on his chest and simply held her while she cried. She cried until she fell asleep.

Emma woke the next morning in Mark's bed. Mark leaned against the wall closest to the foot of the bed with arms folded. He'd been waiting for her to wake up. Emma tried to sit up but her head throbbed and it made her dizzy. She gave up and threw the blankets over her head instead.

"Good morning, Princess. Care to tell me what's going on?" Mark said in a falsely enthusiastic tone. Emma simply grunted back at him. Mark grabbed ahold of the end of the blanket and ripped it off her, leaving Emma exposed, curled in a ball in the center of the bed, still clad in the bloody gear she'd worn the night before.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?!" Emma yelled, grimacing in the sudden brightness of the sun.

"Oh no. You're not the one who gets to ask questions today. You came into _my_ room, in the middle of night, soaking wet and covered in blood. You ask me to kiss you and then cry when I do. Not to mention, you ruined my sheets in the process."

Emma looked around her and saw the smears of blood, ichor, and dirt across his formerly white sheets."I'm sorry, I'll wash them for you..."

"I'm not worried about the sheets, Emma. I'm worried about you. I could tell you didn't want to talk about it last night but I think I need to know what's going on. Now. Cristina came looking for you last night, and then again this morning. She seemed worried." He sat down on the edge of the bed.

Emma forced herself to sit up, trying to ignore the stabbing pain in her temple. "It's nothing. I was attacked on patrol last night. Cristina and Julian thought it was worse than it actually was. I'm fine. Not even a scratch." She showed him her shoulder to reinforce her words; but at the same time she felt an unexplainable wave of impatience wash over her. Confused and half asleep, she ignored it. "I just needed to get away from both of them."

Mark looked skeptical. "I've known you since you were born Emma. I know you well enough to know you don't cry like that. Ever."

Emma looked down, suddenly embarrassed and unable to look into his mismatched eyes. Mark signed, realizing she had no intentions of answering him. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me right now, but you will tell me eventually. You owe me at least that."

She knew he was right, but she couldn't find the words to explain everything that had happened last night.

"You should get cleaned up and head up to the library. Everyone's waiting for you. Something about a demon in a castle."

Emma groaned and got out of bed. At least it explained the impatience she'd felt earlier.

After drawing out her shower as long as possible, Emma got dressed in light layers and pulled her hair up into a bun on top of her head. She pushed open the library doors, expecting everyone's eyes to be on her, but they hadn't even noticed she'd entered the room. Cristina, Perfect Diego, Livvy, Ty, and Julian stood gathered around the table that stood in the center of the library, all of them preoccupied with the task at hand. Ty and Livvy poured over book after book while Cristina stood off to the side and pointed to lines on the pages and asked for Perfect Diego's perfect opinion. Julian stood with both hands on the edges of the table, silently taking in every word the others had to say. Emma walked over to join the group.

"Glad you could join us," Julian said without looking up. She'd assumed he would be livid with her after she'd literally ran from him last night, but he was either too focused to care or was much better at suppressing his emotions than she was.

"Long night," she said, purposely being incredibly vague. "Just fill me in," pointing the last part of her statement at Ty.

"We still don't know a lot. All we've really got is guesswork." Ty didn't look up from his book.

Livvy took over his explanation without missing a beat."As far as we can tell, from what Cristina told us about the Rakshasa demons she saw at Malcolm's, is that something is drawing them there. They aren't the type of demons to work alone. And if it's a greater demon, it's probably a pretty nasty one."

Ty jumped back in to finish filling Emma in. "They couldn't have been there long, Malcolm has only been dead a week; which means his house has only been empty as long. So it's probably best to strike early, before they get the chance to build up an army."

"So you think we should go soon?" Emma said through a yawn. She was still a little bit groggy and a lot a bit hungry.

"I'm saying you should go now." Ty seemed so much older than his 15 years when he told people what to do.

"Good enough for me," Julian said, pushing off the table. He looked directly at Emma for the first time, "Get your gear and let's go. Meet me in the car in 20 minutes."

He walked out without bothering to look back to make sure Emma was following. She looked around the remaining group members; amazed that no one had insisted they come along, but no one met her eyes.

"Any one else coming?" Emma asked hopefully, desperate to avoid being along with Julian again.

"Julian made it very clear that I would be of more help here with the twins, trying to figure out anything we can." Perfect Diego said, still avoiding eye contact.

"Tina? Please?" She was practically begging.

"Someone has to stay and look after Dru and Tavvy. No one else can cook." Cristina smiled sadly.

Emma couldn't put the twins in danger by asking them to go. Cristina had been her last hope. Feeling frustrated and shanghaied, Emma stormed out of the library.

Alone with Julian again. Great. Just great.


	6. Chapter 6

The Toyota rolled to a stop in front of what used to be Malcolm Fade's house. Emma had been there with Julian a few weeks before, but it felt very different this time. The car ride over had been awkward and silent. Emma had stared out the passenger window while Julian focused on the road ahead of them. Things had never been awkward between them before. Even when they'd been mad at each other, they'd always work things out by talking. But some things just couldn't be talked out she supposed.

They both got out of the car and stood, staring at the house in front of them. Emma spoke first, hoping to diffuse the tension between them. "It looks exactly the same."

"Well, looks can be deceiving," he said back. He walked towards Emma, pulling out his stele from his pocket. Emma panicked when he reached for her arm.

"I can do my own runes, Jules."

"Suit yourself, but you don't have to be scared of me..." Though he'd misinterpreted her panic, he didn't push the subject. He began drawing beautifully swirling runes up and down both arms with perfect precision. Meanwhile, Emma struggled to draw a sure strike run onto her left forearm.

"Just let me do if for you, Em." He'd finished all of his own runes, both arms perfectly executed. He had so many he looked like the mundanes that cover their arms in tattoos to the point that they looked like sleeves.

"I said, I can do it." she said through gritted teeth, her frustration evident. Emma finished the scribble she was passing off as a rune and started towards the stairs leading to the house. Julian sighed and followed her up the spiral staircase. Emma stopped outside the towering front doors.

"Do we just go in?" she asked.

"You think knocking first would be a better idea?" He chuckled at his own joke.

"You know what I mean. What if we're ambushed as soon as we walk in? What if whatever is in there has been waiting for us? Shouldn't we be a little bit more strategic about this? "

"Just be ready to fight like hell, okay? Ready?"

Emma gulped. None of this seemed like a good idea. "Ready as I'll ever be."

Julian smashed through the center of the two doors with a powerful kick. The doorframe splintered and dust floated in the air around them. They both stood statue like, Emma with cortana and Julian with his crossbow, waiting for the dust to settle and searching for the slightest sign of movement.

"Stay here," he said. Emma didn't argue. Julian stepped through door carefully, aiming his crossbow in all directions, and then dropped it to his side. "You can come in. It's all clear."

The house was eerily quiet. Everything was exactly how it had been the last times he'd been there, but now everything had a thin layer of dust covering its surface. Emma followed Julian down hallways, opening every door slowly. It would have been faster to split up, but if they were attacked, they'd have a better chance together in a fight.

The house was huge. They must have checked at least 15 rooms and come up with nothing. Emma had started to give up hope they were going to find anything at all when she opened a door with stairs leading down to what she assumed was a basement, with a dim light emanating from somewhere at the bottom. "Over here," Emma called to Julian, who was exploring the room on the other side of the hallway. When he got to the door, he leaned over Emma's shoulder to look down the stairwell. She could feel the heat from his body radiating through her and quickly tried to distract herself by thinking of the saddest thing she could remember. She thought of poor Tavvy, sleeping and strapped to a table at the convergence. Luckily, it worked; though now she just felt like crying.

"Well, standing here isn't doing us any good, let's go check it out," he said putting his hand on her back to steady her as he maneuvered around her. Having his hands on her was like being touched with a hot iron; she could feel where his skin had touched hers even after he'd started down the creaky stairs. She followed closely behind; close enough to smell his clove cologne and just a hint of paint. Even his smell made her dizzy.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Emma saw that they had entered a large, unfinished basement with stacks upon stacks of junk. It seemed that Malcolm had never thrown a single thing away in his very long life. The light was coming from a room at the far side of the basement.

Julian walked over to one of the massive piles and picked up a strange metal object that resembled two pears on sticks that spun when you turned a knob on the side. "What do you think this is?" he said, tossing the contraption to Emma. She caught it, realized who'd owned it, then immediately dropped it to the floor.

"Ew, don't touch anything! Remember that Malcolm was a warlock. You never know what could happen down here." Emma thought of remnants of potions, enchanted or even cursed objects lying hidden within the mess.

Julian shrugged and started climbing across the piles of junk, with Emma close behind. They stumbled along as knick-knacks and debris moved beneath their feet, both trying to be careful not touch things with bare skin. After a considerable amount of time, Emma finally reached the lighted room, while Julian still struggled through the detritus of the basement. It was a bedroom; a very small bedroom, but a bedroom nonetheless. There were no windows. There was a small twin sized bed shoved against a white painted cinderblock wall with a small nightstand and a lamp, which was the source of the light they had seen from the top of the stairs. There was nothing suspicious about the room. She turned around to call Julian off, just as he walked through the door.

"False alarm, " she said. "The lamp's probably been on for weeks, though I can't imagine anyone was using this room. Not with the Everest-esque trek it takes to get here." She'd started back towards the door when it slammed shut in front of her without anyone touching it. Emma tried the knob, but as she suspected, it was locked. She'd just pulled cortana from its place on her back when a figure began to take shape from a black mist in the corner of the room. Emma gripped cortana tightly in front of her and she could see Julian out of the corner of her eye with his crossbow aimed and ready.

A man appeared in the corner of the room with beautifully brown skin and black silky hair, wearing a suit that looked like it cost more than the Toyota. He smiled an almost unnaturally perfect smile, like he belonged in a toothpaste commercial.

Julian spoke first. "Who are you?" he demanded, keeping his crossbow aimed between the demon's eyes.

The demon laughed a musical sort of laugh that almost softened Emma's resolve. Almost. "My name is Mara, though I'm disappointed you had to ask. I like to think my reputation proceeds me." For a man who looked like a modern day Aladdin come to life, Emma had expected him to have a deep exotic accent, though he spoke without a trace of one.

"Mara. Demon of temptation..." Emma said, recognizing the name. His appearance made perfect sense once she'd realized who he was.

"Oh good, so I haven't yet been forgotten. You're smart; I like you. I think I'll kill you last." he laughed the same melodic laugh. An arrow shot from behind Emma, perfectly on course to fly straight through the demon's heart, but Mara caught it by its shaft when it was just an inch of piercing his flesh. "Now, now. No need for violence. It was only a joke. I'm not that kind of demon. And to think, you almost ruined my favorite suit." He walked towards Emma and Julian then snapped his fingers. Their weapons disappeared from their hands.

"Cortana! Where is it?! What did you do with it?!" Emma called out. She felt like she'd lost a part of herself.

"Relax, you'll get them back," the demon cooed. The worst part was Emma wanted to trust him. He was too beautiful to be truly evil, right? Then again, maybe that was part of the trap. He continued, "I just want to talk without having an arsenal aimed at me for a moment. I find it tends to be...distracting."

"Then start talking," Julian demanded. Emma could feel both his anger and his fear at being totally unarmed.

"Ah, but what's the hurry, shadow hunter? Isn't this why you're here? You found me. Congratulations. You've done it." He even made sarcasm attractive. But the expression of his face turned from friendly to menacing, causing all the good feelings Emma had to fizzle out in an instant. "But ask yourself," he began to circle slowly around Emma and Julian with sure, deliberate steps that seemed to punctuate his words, "Who. found. whom?" and he vanished into black mist.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: Sorry guys, I've been slacking. Finals week has been getting the best of me. Hopefully this maybe makes up for it a little bit? Also, side note: thank you all so much for the reviews. They make my day. :)**

Julian ran for the door, frantically shaking the knob. When that failed, he tried to kick down the door the way he had the front entrance, but the door stood solid. He continued to throw himself into the door in a desperate attempt to escape.

"It's no use, Jules. We're trapped. With no weapons I might add." Emma motioned to her belt, which had previously been stocked with various seraph blades and chakrams, but now was completely empty. Say what you wanted about Mara, but he was certainly thorough.

"Well if you're so smart, what do you suggest we do now?"

"Mara is the demon of temptation, not war or destruction. He's tricky; not murderous. Chances are, he wants something." Emma plopped herself down on the bed, resigning herself to the fact that they would simply have to wait for whatever Mara had planned for them. Julian sat down beside her, close enough that the outside of their legs touched and his arm brushed hers when he moved. Emma felt like the room had suddenly gotten very, very small and very stuffy. The fact that she was locked in a bedroom, alone with Julian indefinitely, had finally begun to sink in. Emma scooted herself towards the head of the bed so that there was space of about a foot separating them.

"Really, Em? You can't even stand to touch me?" She could see the sadness in his blue-green eyes, but she could also feel it in the weird way that she'd become accustomed to over the last 24 hours.

"It's not like that, Jules. I just... can't. I'm with Mark now. You know that..."

"Right. You're with Mark." His expression suddenly turned bitter and cold. She knew Mark was his trigger point. "And how is that working out for you? Does he make you happy, Emma?" He practically spit the words at her.

She didn't like where this was going. "I don't want to talk about this right now Julian."

"Well that's too bad. We're stuck here and you can't run away from me this time, so you're going to talk. Now tell me that my brother makes you happy."

Emma didn't know how else to avoid the situation. She figured short answers would be the easiest and most effective. "Yes! He does!" she shouted back at him, hoping to get her point across.

"Oh really? Really, Emma? Is that why you wanted to kiss me last night? Is that why you spent all night in his room last night crying? Because you're blissfully happy?" He got up off the bed, too worked up to remain seated. "When are you going to realize that you can't lie to me anymore?"

He'd been practically shouting at her the entire time, but one sentence seemed louder than the others to Emma. When she spoke, she was quiet. "How did you know I was crying?" though she already had an idea.

He sighed before answering, and brought his volume back down to a conversational level. "I could feel it... I can feel everything you feel." He swallowed hard. "I don't know how, or why, but I can. I could feel how sad you were. This whole time, I thought this thing with you and Mark was real. I thought you wanted him, but last night I felt what you felt. You don't love him, Em. You don't even like him."

Now Emma was the one shouting. "You have no idea what you're talking about Julian! I do love him!" She stood up, no longer wanting to feel talked down to; though she could never really be eye level with him considering their height difference. Even still, standing gave her the illusion of a level playing field, which was good enough for now.

"Not in the way you want to." He knew he was getting under her skin, but he kept pushing; put the last nail in the coffin. "Not the way you love me."

"You're wrong, " the words barely came out; he wouldn't have been able to hear her if he wasn't standing within an arms length of her. She faced him straight on, making sure he could hear every word. "None of it matters anyway. You think that if I'm not in love with Mark that things will be different; that we can be together and pretend that nothing ever happened, that we aren't parabatai and we'll live happily every after but we can't!" She could feel tears welling in her eyes. "You just don't get it, Jules. You don't get it." The tears continued to build, but she refused to cry again. "We don't work, Jules. We never will."

He moved so fast, she didn't have time to react. At first, she thought he was going to hit her, but no matter how angry was, he was still Julian and she knew that he would never, ever hurt her. He never touched her, but he'd come at her in a fury and pinned her against the wall behind them. He breathed heavily with rage. His arms were on either side of her head, and he was leaning down over her, like he was using the wall to restrain himself.

"Say that again, but mean it this time." He leaned in closer to her, making her head feel fuzzy. She hated that he knew exactly how to get to her. "Tell me you don't love me." His blue green eyes sparkled in the dim light. He moved another step in, close enough for her to feel his breath on her lips. She felt freezing could and burning hot at the same time. "Tell me you don't love me, and I'll let you go. Forever." It was like all the air had been sucked out of her lungs.

She knew she should lie; knew she should tell him she never wanted to see him again. It would be best for everyone. But he was too close. She breathed the air that he breathed and she couldn't think straight. She could feel her heart pounding in her chest, feel the blood racing through her veins. Every part of her cried out to close the gap between them. She couldn't take it anymore. She was an addict and he was her drug. The worst part was that he knew it. She grabbed him by the back of his neck, feeling his soft curls between her fingers, and pulled him into her.

His lips crashed against hers, pressing her harder into the wall. She felt like a volcano erupting; like hot lava spilling down and destroying everything in its path. She no longer cared about the consequences; nothing existed in the world but the two of them. She needed him in a visceral kind of way. He alone had the power both to fix her and to break her, and in that moment, she'd hoped to be broken.

His hands moved over her, pulling her even closer into him, and lifted her off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist. He ran his hands through her hair and trailed a line of kisses across her jaw line and down her neck, making her gasp for air. He carried her over to the bed, and laid her down, never daring to break the kiss for fear that if they stopped, they'd realize it was all a dream. She ran her hands over his chest feeling the muscles under his shirt, and pushed off the jacket of his gear. The black tee shirt he wore underneath was thin and soft with wear. Julian unzipped the front her jacket, placing kisses across her collarbones as he moved.

The layers between them continued to disappear and Emma knew she couldn't stop it even if she'd wanted to. They were two halves of a whole; magnets being pulled together. She tried to memorize every touch, every movement, and every whispered word. No one had ever, could ever, make her feel the way Julian did when he touched her. She knew nothing but him. They moved together perfectly, matching intensity and building heat every second. She came undone has he lost himself, pulling her body into his, melding them into one.

They clung to each other, both breathing heavily. Julian held her face in his hands kissed her forehead tenderly and whispered, "I love you, Emma. I've loved you my entire life, and I will never stop loving you. Not ever." His voice was low and thick.

She'd already decided she was done lying to him. There was no use now anyway. "You know I love you; more than I've ever loved anything," she whispered, knowing what she had to say next was going to ruin everything. "But it still doesn't change anything. We still can't do this, Julian."

"How can you say that? It changes everything!" He got up, searching the floor for his discarded clothing and throwing Emma's on the bed beside her. When he'd gotten fully dressed, he sat back down on the bed beside her. "We can make it work, Emma. We can do anything together; that's how you make me feel." His optimism broke her heart.

"Jules, I have to tell you something." There was no other way. She'd tried everything else she could think of and she couldn't make him stop loving her. Telling him the truth was the only option left. So she told him everything. She told him about Malcolm's taunting, she told him the horrible truth that Jem and Tessa had revealed to her and she told him what it would mean for them and the kids.

Julian sat in silence beside Emma on the bed, both now fully dressed. He stared out in front of him; looking without really seeing.

"Please say something," she begged. She couldn't take his silence any longer.

"Why didn't you just tell me, Emma?" She had no answer for him. Not one that seemed good enough anyway. She thought he was going to stop there and wait for her to come up with and answer but he went on. "The last week of my life has been absolute hell. I know you think you were doing what's best for me and my family, but it wasn't your decision to make."

"I'm so sorry Jules-"

"Please don't call me that. Not now."

"I'm sorry. I should have told you."

He took a long breath before he looked down and finally spoke. "No. You shouldn't have," he gave a sad sort of laugh. "The worst part is, you were absolutely right not to tell me. Knowing doesn't change how I feel about you. I would gladly give up being a shadow hunter if I could if it meant I got to be with you for the rest of my life." He met her eyes for the first time since she'd told him the truth of the parabatai bond. He leaned down and kissed her lips softly one last time. "I get it now, Em. You did what you had to do. And now we'll spend the rest of our lives regretting a decision we made when we were 12 years old."

Emma laced her fingers through his and rested her head on his shoulder. What could it hurt after what they'd done? Innocent handholding was the least of their worries.

The familiar black mist appeared in the center of the room, swirling then converging to form the demon who called himself Mara. They shot up from the bed, separating and trying not to look as guilty as they felt.

"That took considerably less time than I'd thought," Mara mused, though no one else was in the least bit humored.

"What is this? Some twisted demonic set up? You were just waiting for us to have sex before you tell us what's going on?" Emma was furious. She hated feeling used and manipulated, especially in such an intimate way.

"As the demon of temptation, I do love fornication. But I assure you, that was not goal of this set up; just a happy accident. No, what I was waiting for was for you to reveal the deepest desire of your heart; your greatest temptation, if you will. I find this information usually comes in handy when offering bribes."

Emma and Julian looked at each other, both afraid of what they would hear next.

"So here's the deal," Mara continued. "I want the Black Volume, and you're going to bring it to me."

"Like hell we will," Julian spat.

"Wait, now. You haven't even heard my proposal. You see, you bring me the book, and I will sever your parabatai bond."


	8. Chapter 8

Emma and Julian stared at each other in total disbelief. They both bad desperately desired exactly what the demon was offering, but neither had truly believed it could really happen.

"How is that possible?" Emma asked, still feeling dumbfounded.

"There are exactly two ways to sever the parabatai bond," the demon explained. "Both extremely hard to come by. Of course, there's heavenly fire, and then there is hell fire. I happen to be in possession of the latter." Mara smirked at the pair of them, obviously expecting them to be in awe of his power.

Emma felt her heart sink. She'd heard of hell fire, and knew the dangers of using it. Like heavenly fire, hell fire burned through the soul of any person it touched. Only those who had true darkness in their soul would survive an encounter. Though she had her doubts about herself, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the fire would consume Julian. She looked at his hopeful face, and had to fight back the urge to cry for the second time that day.

"No," Emma said decisively. Mara's expression changed from smug to forlorn in an instant.

"No? What do you mean, no?" Julian stared at her like he couldn't believe what she'd just said. Really, she couldn't believe it herself. They'd just been offered their wildest dream just to have it immediately ripped away again.

"I know what hell fire can do to a person. Breaking the bond won't do either of us any good if we're both dead."

The smug look returned to the demon's face. "Oh, Emma. If that's all you're worried about, I can assure you; you'd both survive. The darkness has already rooted itself inside you both; a link that grows and begs to be fed... Ring any bells?"

Emma could feel the bile rising in the back of her throat. She'd known that feeling each other's emotions was unnatural, but she hadn't considered the possibility that it was evil. She felt like the walls were closing in around her

Julian spoke next, "Thanks, but no thanks." Hearing Emma's description had apparently jogged his memory of hell fire. "Handing over the Black Volume to a greater demon is out of the question, even if you had offered us something worth our while. Even if we both survived, it would burn away all the light inside us until we weren't us anymore." He gave Emma a sad smile, then turned back to the demon. "You're asking for the world and offering us nothing in return." Emma could tell the words hurt him to say; that it had cost him nearly everything to turn down the demon's offer, even in light of his eloquent words.

Despite being shot down twice now, Mara remained confident. "Silly children. You'll change your minds." He laughed his melodic laugh. "They always do," and he dissolved into mist once again.

Emma turned to Julian and reached her hand out to him, but he turned away.

"No, Em. We can't. Not anymore." He walked to the door and turned the knob tentatively, though they both knew it would be unlocked. The door swung open easily, proving what they'd both already known to be true: Mara was so confident they would change their minds he was willing to risk letting them leave. "Let's just go home," he said with a sigh.

Emma could feel how defeated he was, which only reminded her of the darkness they had within them. She said nothing, but followed him back into the cluttered basement. She turned back to shut the door behind them, but the walls of the room had dissolved into mist just like the demon who'd apparently created them.

When they arrived back at the institute, Julian walked directly into his studio and slammed the door behind him. Taking the hint, Emma didn't follow. Instead she walked down the hall of the upstairs corridor and knocked lightly on Mark's door. To her surprise, Emma heard hushed whispers coming from the inside of Mark's room. After a few minutes, the door finally opened. Mark looked disheveled with his hair sticking up in odd directions and his shirt buttoned one row off.

"Hey, you're back! So what happened?" he said, trying to sound nonchalant, but Emma could tell he was slightly out of breath.

"We need to talk," she said, pushing her way past him into the room, looking for the source of the other voice she'd heard but saw nothing. She sat at the foot of Mark's bed, noticing the crumpled sheets. She gave him a suspicious look. Mark ignored her raised eyebrows and changed the subject as he closed the door behind her.

"So what'd you find out at Malcolm's place?" he said, a little too enthusiastically. The curtains fluttered around the open window on the far side of the room, adding to Emma's suspicion.

"More than I wanted to," she said, deciding she didn't have the energy to care about whether or not Mark had had someone in his room prior to her arrival. She flopped onto her back, burying her face in pillows.

"What do you mean?" he said, pulling the chair from his desk closer to the edge of the bed where Emma laid. Emma mumbled something unintelligible from beneath the pile of pillows. Mark reached over and grabbed the pillow that had covered her mouth. "One more time, Marlon Brando." He hit her lightly on the nose with the pillow before throwing it off the side of the bed.

"Who's Marlon Brando? Emma asked, completely confused.

Mark rolled his eyes at her. "Not important. Start talking," he said.

"I said, we were right. It was a greater demon. Mara to be specific."

Mark nodded. "I know of Mara."

"Well then you probably also know he's incredibly good at his job," she huffed.

"Well that sounds foreboding; what happened, Emma?"

"I may have... slept with Julian. Again," she said with a wince, expecting him to be angry or disgusted. Instead, Mark laughed. "This isn't funny, Mark! This is the worst thing that could have possibly happened."

"I can think of far worse things," Mark said, getting serious again. Emma immediately felt childish for saying such a thing to someone who'd experienced the things the Blackthorns had been through.

"I'm sorry. I just meant it's bad. But it's over now. It won't happen again."

"What makes it any different this time?"

Emma paused; remembering that she hadn't told Mark about "the curse" as she'd began calling it. Mark took her silence for an admission of uncertainty and continued talking.

"Look, if I know anything about Mara, I know he doesn't show up without an agenda. So, what did he want?"

"The Black Volume."

Mark gave a low whistle. "And I'm guessing he offered you something pretty great in return."

"You seem to know him pretty well," Emma glared then sighed. "He offered to sever the parabatai bond with hell fire."

"Emma you can't be serious-"

"Don't worry, we turned him down."

"Well good, but that couldn't have been easy..."

"I think that's kind of the point of offering someone their deepest desire." Emma shot back at him; tired of the emotional rollercoaster she'd been on that day.

"Is that really what you want? What you both want?"

"Of course it is! You think I like being in love with my parabatai? You think it's fun knowing that I can never be with the one person in the world I care about more than anything else? That every time I look at him, my heart aches to touch him, but I can't because of a stupid rune. Who lets 14 year olds make a commitment like that anyway? There should be an age limit on that kind of thing." She was fuming and had started shouting by the end of her rant.

"Woah, calm down. Being angry isn't going to change anything. If that's really what you want, you shouldn't give up. Try to find another way."

"There is no other way. Mara said there were only two ways to sever the bond: hell fire or heavenly fire. We've already ruled out hell fire and since the only way to get heavenly fire is by summoning an angel, and I don't particularly feel like being struck down by lightening today, I'd say that's out of the question too."

"I might be able to help with that," said another voice Emma didn't recognize right away, at least not until she saw Kieran climb through the window.

She shot Mark a dirty look, mortified that Kieran had heard their entire conversation. Mark mouthed back "I'm sorry," as Kieran shut the window behind him. He moved with the confidence of someone who belonged in the house, and not like someone's dirty little secret. It made Emma wonder how many times he'd done this before. She was angry that Mark had been with Kieran while they were supposed to be trying to convince the entire Blackthorn family they were in love. He could have easily been caught. But when Kieran spoke again, Emma forgot why she'd been angry in the first place.

"I know where you can find heavenly fire."

Emma stared at the fairy in front of her, trying to comprehend the words he'd spoken."What do you mean?" she finally got out.

"The Seelie Queen may appear young and beautiful, but she is an ancient creature. She knows the whereabouts of precious relics that have long been forgotten. I've heard her speak of the sword of Uriel that still remains on earth."

"How is that possible? Every demon, downworlder, and shadowhunter would be after it," Emma said, incredulously.

"Very true. But this sword is different. The fire within has been silenced; put to sleep with very powerful magic by those who sought to protect it. Any one that came across the sword of Uriel would not recognize it as the angel's sword, but simply an ordinary blade. A beautiful weapon, but ordinary nonetheless. At least until the fire is reawakened."

Emma could feel hope rising in her chest. She was afraid to let herself be even the slightest bit optimistic about the situation, afraid that she would only have her heart broken again.

"Did the Seelie Queen happen to also let slip where we could find this sword?" Emma sat, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"No, my lady. She only spoke freely of its existence. The whereabouts of the sword remain hidden."

There it was. Emma choked down the hope she'd almost let fill her. "What do you expect us to do? Check every sword in the world just to be sure?"

"That would be ridiculous," Kieran continued. "Asking the Queen would be a much more efficient approach."

"What would make you think she'd tell us anything? Just in case you've forgotten, shadowhunters and fairies aren't exactly on the best of terms right now," Emma said, feeling annoyed.

"What if we don't give her a choice?" Mark suggested, finally rejoining the conversation.

"What are you suggesting?" Emma asked.

Mark looked at Kieran, seeming to silently ask a question with his eyes. When Kieran gave a slight nod, Mark answered. "The Seelie Queen's tiara. Whoever possesses it has complete power over the Queen. If we can steal the tiara, she'll have no choice but to tell us not only where the sword is hidden, but also how to reignite the heavenly fire within it."

Emma saw the determination burning in his eyes. She felt the twinge of hope returning and gave up trying to suppress it. "Well what are we waiting for? Let's go steal a tiara!" she jumped up and headed towards the door.

"Not so fast," Mark said. "Stealing the Seelie Queen's tiara is not going to be easy. You can't just storm into Faery and take it while she's sleeping. She is protected at all times. This is going to take serious planning."

Emma sat back down. "Then lets start planning." The quicker they stole the tiara, the sooner Emma would be able to be with Julian; to _really_ be with Julian, and there was nothing else she wanted more. Today was proof of that. She'd risk anything for him. Apparently that included her life.

"Calm down, kid." Mark sighed. "You barely slept last night and today has been... eventful, to say the least. You should try to get some rest first. We can't do this without you being on your game."

"You expect me to be able to sleep now?" She said, but was given away by a yawn at the end of her sentence.

"Get some sleep. We'll talk to everyone in the morning and make a plan."

"No!" Emma yelled, suddenly feeling more awake. "We can't tell the kids about this. Then we'd have to explain why this is so important to us. They can't know anything."

"Fine," Mark replied. "But we have to tell Julian. Someone should know where we're going at least."

"He'll want to come," Emma said knowingly.

"The more, the better." Kieran interjected. "We'll stand a better chance if we can create a distraction."

"Fine. We'll take Julian with us, and we can tell Cristina where we've gone, just in case. But that's it! No one else!" Emma said, ending the discussion of who would accompany them to Faery once and for all.

"Okay, okay. Now go to sleep, Emma. You need the rest." Mark pushed Emma out the door but she got the feeling that he had other reasons for wanting her out of his room.

She walked back to her own room and laid down, expecting to lie awake for hours and plan their course of action for the following day, but Mark had been right. It had been days since she'd gotten a good night's rest and she passed out seconds after her head hit the pillows.


End file.
